Virgo Aug 24 - Sept 23

A sudden craving for squid will take you on a strange yet exciting journey this month. Beware of fake I.D.'s and tripwires. Blue is the colour of a birthday.

If you're not afraid of cowboys and lightbulbs, this will be a great month for you romantically. Otherwise forget it – stay indoors with some White Lightening and wait until the works christmas party.

Remember: it's not a lie if you believe it. A dilemma over a missing bike will provoke a childhood flashback bur will also give you a headache. Watch out for yellow things on the floor.

A busy month: apart from making a life-changing decision, you will befriend a squirrel, fall over at least twice in the same day and consider taking up some kind of sport. Don't bother.

When boredom strikes, take to the streets and attempt to perform something no-one has ever thought of before. Give generously to the homeless but ask for a receipt.

Work becomes slightly less tedious thanks to the thoughtful appearance of some cake. If you're in a relationship, try not to bite your partner's head off when you discuss the cleaning.

Go crazy this month and spend all your money on presents for people you don't like and ignore text messages from your closest friends. If someone you know gives you a foot, cherish it.

A duck will bring you luck, a fad will make you mad, a joke will make you choke but don't try and fly a kite in a firefight.

Business as usual as the imminent approach of autumn makes you long for chasing crabs on the beach, throwing rocks at school children, and stealing wine. A camping trip brings a hairy surprise. Sleep all day on the 25th.

Facebook should be avoided at all costs this month, as you will only find out something you didn't want to know . Try going out instead.

Friends are an invaluable source of fibre – you'll need that more than ever this month as a door tests the limits of your pateince and makes you lose your dignity. Fruit is the answer to your question.

Accidentally insulting a friend or relative this month will start a chain of events leading to a minor apocalypse in late December, so get your Christmas shopping done early.