Virgo Aug 24 - Sept 23

Good news at last! You’ll finally find that missing personal item you’ve been searching for, only to find that you never really needed it anyway. You will now feel free to misplace loved ones and more unimportant things in life without losing any sleep over them.
Remember to breathe between mouthfuls.

Octember brings the need for construction at home – if you haven’t already barricaded yourself in in preparation for hibernation, then nail some planks of wood across your neighbour’s door and see what happens. They will thank you in the long run.

This month, life is like a bad trailer for a movie with no plot and a budget big enough for a reduced Tesco sandwich. Beware old friends with grudges – this time they mean business and will stop at nothing to get revenge.

Never mind what others say: go with your instincts and you will be rewarded with a massive adrenaline rush lasting for hours. If you don’t experience this, your manifest destiny has been side-tracked by someone giving you wrong directions.
The only solution is to find and clobber that person, thus addressing the imbalance of nature in the cosmos vis a vis parallel identity.

Hold onto your loved ones this month as a family member’s secret activities stir up a real shitstorm at home and you feel like sleeping overnight in the office just to get away from it all.
Don’t expect any love from the geese either – they’ve been plotting for years and are almost ready to strike.

Thinking of learning an instrument? Forget it. Rock ‘n’ roll is dead.
Instead, see how many toy keyboards you can buy for a tenner in charity shops and then go busking with them until the batteries go flat or you get beaten up.
Love wears grey elbow patches and carries a battered watering can.

Be careful when and where you open a can of whup-ass this month, as the police won’t believe your story and your lawyer is off hunting goats in the Andes.
Apart from that, enjoy your freedom, while you still can.