Your HoroscOPES FOR FEBRUARY
Virgo Aug 24 - Sept 23
Many people will tell you that we live in a ‘blame culture’ but whose fault is that? If you do something wrong this month, own up to it and watch people’s respect for you grow tenfold. Unless you did a homicide or something, in which case, sssh.
Libra Sept 24 - Oct 23
When you find yourself in a black hole, stop digging.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 22
Did Christmas bring you an unwanted surprise? When you tried on that pair of trousers that used to fit, were you confronted by an extra gut hanging over the top? Just where the hell did that come from?
It is your mission in 2009 to fight this monstrous new menace.
Sagittarius Nov 23 - Dec 21
Don’t take any shit from banks this month. Stand up for yourself if they try to charge you £30 for going overdrawn by 10p. Remember, it’s these bastards that got us into this mess in the first place.
If you see a bank manager begging on the streets, cap-in-hand, kick him in the teeth and steal his shoes.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 20
Would you rather die on your feet or live on your knees?
The choice is yours.
Aquarius Jan 21 - Feb 19
Definitions are important. Like how some people are ignorant meatbags and others are just blissfully unaware. Make sure you are clear in your intentions and deeds this month, or you’ll freak someone out and spend weeks fretting about it. Not that the other person will spend two minutes thinking about it.
Pisces Feb 20 - Mar 20
The 24th is National Thump A Schoolchild Day, so dig out all that pent up frustration towards the little rascals and let rip. Remember: extra money for charity is raised if you smack a kid in the cinema, on the bus or in the mouth.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr
The New Year: a new dawn, filled to the brim with new and exciting possibilities, or just the “same shit, different day?”
Write a long list of all the things you never got around to doing in ’08 and actually DO THEM. That should keep you busy for at least two months.
Taurus Apr 21 - May 21
Ah, Taurus, lucky you. I’ve seen your 2009, though it’s a bit misty and vague at the moment.
This month’s magic word: peanuts.
Gemini May 22 - Jun 21
Tired of the same old same old same old?
For a fresh perspective on things, try braining yourself with a frying pan until you develop amnesia.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 23
It’s high time you had a New Year Purge, Let’s face it, we’ve all got too much rubbish, and you’re no different. Clear out all that crap, sell it on eBay, give it to charity, and send things in the post to people you don’t know. Something good will come of it, trust me.
Leo Jul 24 - Aug 23
Your partner’s chin becomes an object of fascination this month, just don’t let them catch you staring at it, or taking photos while they’re asleep.
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