Your HoroscOPES FOR APRIL
Virgo Aug 24 - Sept 23
If you subscribe to the New World Order conspiracy theory, then this will be a good month for you and everything you have ever suspected will be proven true.
If you don’t believe in this conspiracy, then carry on as normal. The bastards are out to get us either way.
Libra Sept 24 - Oct 23
Anything you say this month may be taken down and used as evidence against you in a court of law. Unless you eat the arresting officer’s pen and paper and then it’s their word against yours. Tough beans.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 22
Tired of sitting on the fence all the time? Fed up with getting those splinters in your bum? Well now is the time to jump down and take a side.
Your new found allies will have a pair of tweezers.
Sagittarius Nov 23 - Dec 21
Your phobia of cricket balls proves unfounded this month, and love hides behind a tree in the park.
Magic word: Barnsley.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 20
Hilarity ensues as you place an order for some exotic fruit and veg, but a typo means you get a delivery of cucumbers, melons, plums, bananas and butternut squash.
You’ll still get your five a day, it will just be five of something else.
Aquarius Jan 21 - Feb 19
Congratulations! Something good is bound to happen to you this month.
Pisces Feb 20 - Mar 20
Nine out of ten cats say they’re better off not knowing’ nothing' about nothing’ and that’s that. Are you the odd one out?
Aries Mar 21 - Apr
Your dreams of having a ski lift named after you will be shattered this month when this honour goes to a dead, loud-mouthed, attention starved racist.
Never mind, you’re capable of much better than that.
Taurus Apr 21 - May 21
There’s more to life than cheese. You should know that by now. Expand your horizons this Easter, but don’t start an argument on how to pronounce ‘ hummus’.
Lucky animal: the sea-ant.
Gemini May 22 - Jun 21
The colour blue will have great significance for you unless you’re watching the Lindsay Lohan weird-flick ‘I Know Who Killed Me’, in which case you’ll want two hours of your life back.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 23
Don’t blame yourself for anything that’s going wrong with your finances at the moment. After all, do you think those who are actually responsible for the recession are losing any sleep over it?
Magic number: 4,572.
Leo Jul 24 - Aug 23
A meeting with an old friend will convince you that something you’ve been dithering over for some time is actually the right thing to do.
So that thing you’ve been planning to do? Go for it. But take your time, plan carefully and have a holiday while you’re at it.
You are viewing the text version of this site.
To view the full version please install the Adobe Flash Player and ensure your web browser has JavaScript enabled.
Need help? check the requirements page.
